| Damn expensive hoop dancing classes....
And car payments...
And rent...
I need a job. Then I could afford those things...
I'm going to try fencing again in the fall. Tim could teach me. Haha. :)
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| It's unnecessary and silly for me to be this scared...
But I am.
He ruined me. They ruined me.
Nothing is wrong, but I'm scared it will be.
It's too frustrating, not being able to put words to how I feel so I can say it.
And my frustration is ignored because I'm seen as selfish.
No, it's not all about me. And no, I never thought it was.
I'm supposed to be more decisive, but I'm not the only one. There's more than one interpretation of that request.
I'm just so angry, and sad, and scared. And it's so stupid and unnecessary and unprovoked.
I'm ridiculous.
I'm legitimately thinking of deleting my facebook account. The internet takes up too much of my time. I'm wasting my life away hoping I'll be inspired to do something out of the ordinary. Apparently the only thing stopping me is me.
I've begun to despise the field of psychology. Trying to figure people out is one thing, but that's not really what they're doing. They're grouping people up into these factions and it's just... I hate it. I used to say As longs as a reaction is received they're doing their job. I fucking hate trying to generalize people. I hate people, I hate so much of me too. I hate that I can't ever figure out how to break down this wall between me and the rest of the world.
I hate when people think that my dislike of being around a lot of people is silly. I don't like large groups, I don't like that I usually get ignored because I'm so quiet and reluctant. Why can't people just be content and happy with just hanging out with me? Why can't I just be happy and not hate the world? Why can't I just be tolerant of people who bug me? Why can't I find a solution to the things about me I hate?
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| I don't even know what I'm jealous of.
People make me legitimately angry.
Mainly the midget who invaded our lunch table and now it isn't fun anymore.
I didn't do anything of interest today.
I was going to read Watchmen but I fell asleep. When I woke up I watched Doctor Who.
It feels so strange to be spouting off optimistic advice when I'm so upset sometimes.
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| And nothing.
It's so difficult to live in the moment when I have such big dreams for the future.
But you have no future without the now.
I feel like there are a lot of things I'm finally grasping, or realizing again.
But still plenty that I've lost.
Relationships are difficult.
All kinds of them. Family, friends, romantic.
I don't know if you ever get it right.
I'm going to try. I don't know how to go about doing that, but I'll figure it out.
I am very disappointed in the people of earth. The world has gotten much too violent. It's too dangerous of a place. You used to be able to feel safer walking the streets. I don't like knowing it's possible for someone to be mugged within the block from their car to their apartment.
I don't want to be afraid to travel, afraid I'm going to be kidnapped because I don't know every fifth person who walks down the street.
I want to live out of a van and drive across the country for a summer.
I don't like the feeling of not feeling safe.
That is why I want to learn self defense.
I want to feel safe walking down the street after dark, or in broad daylight for that matter. No matter where I am.
The future scares me for a number of different reasons.
I'll go into that when it isn't 11:22pm.
Besides, my wonderful boyfriend is picking me up for school tomorrow morning. :) Oversleeping would be rude.
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| Though, I am entering two pictures into the art show, so that's pretty cool. :)
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